I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
