he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
