Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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