my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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