walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
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