I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
