Moan for me like Helen Keller
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
