her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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