what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
