it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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