Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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