R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
