just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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