Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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