11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
