The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
