Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
