it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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