First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
