He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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