I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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