what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
