You're my little dorito
Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Randomize
