speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
