Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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