giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
