She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
