Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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