Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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