sorry about calling you the devil all night.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Randomize
