I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
