I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
