I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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