Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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