Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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