Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
