Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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