I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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