My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
