the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
