I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Randomize
