Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
