I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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