i'm signing you up for texting rehab
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
