apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
