This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
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Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
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He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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