You can't motorboat a personality
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
