just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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