Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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