Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
