dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
