i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
