Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
