the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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