I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I think my fart just growled at me.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
